


Unpasteurised Kisses

by foxiea



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Banter, Cow Husbandry, F/M, Fluff, Kaltenecker ships it, Post Space Mall, Teamwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 17:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14899136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxiea/pseuds/foxiea
Summary: After bringing a cow home from their trip to the Space Mall, Pidge and Lance are saddled with the responsibility of looking after their new pet.  Their first task?  Finding somewhere for Kaltenecker to live.My contribution to Rainforest: A Pidge x Lance zine.





	Unpasteurised Kisses

**Author's Note:**

> This was my contribution to Rainforest: A Pidge x Lance zine. It was a total blast to be part of, and I'm thrilled I got the chance to work alongside so many talented people!
> 
> Shoutout to hailqiqi, cosmicdusttrails, princessaluraa, and achievingelysium for their diligent beta work <3 And a special thank you to hailqiqi for coming up with the fic title

“Is that a cow?” Shiro asks.  He blinks a few times, like the sight of a farm animal standing on the bridge might actually be some bizarre hallucination.  

 

“Mhmm,” Lance hums, and turns to the newest resident of the castle-ship with a smile.  “His name is Kaltenecker.” 

 

Kaltenecker lets out a hearty moo, as if to say “Hello.”

 

“ _ Her  _ name,” Pidge corrects from her seat, not even bothering to lift her gaze from the Mercury Gameflux II instruction manual.  She’d buried her nose in it as soon as they arrived back from the Space Mall.

 

“I’m…not sure I want to know how you know that,” Shiro says, with a shake of his head.  

 

There’s just enough of Pidge’s face visible behind the manual that Lance can see the slow, exaggerated roll of her eyes. “All cows are female, Shiro,” she says.

 

“What are you going to do with a cow?” Shiro asks, ever the practical one.  “Who’s even going to look after it?”

 

“Kaltenecker’s part of the Voltron family now,” Lance says easily. “We can take turns looking after  _ her _ .”  He flashes Pidge a smile along with his patented finger guns.

 

Of course, Keith is the first one to object to that idea.  “You can’t be serious,” he says, his brows knitting together as a scowl settles on his face.  “We’re Paladins of Voltron, Defenders of the Universe. We have more important things to do than babysit a cow you bought.”

 

“She was free with purchase!” Lance corrects, because he has an incessant need to point out any time Keith is wrong, and Keith casts his eyes up to the ceiling like he’s praying to some space deity for the patience to deal with Lance.  

 

“Whatever,” Keith says, his voice clipped.  “Count me out.”

 

Lance is about to say something about how  _ that’s just classic Keith _ , but when he catches Hunk’s eye and his best friend gives him a sheepish smile, the words die on his tongue.  

 

“Hunk _ , _ ” he says instead, gripping one hand over his heart like he’s physically hurt.  “ _ Buddy _ , c’mon.  Not you too.”

 

“Sorry, Lance,” Hunk shrugs.  He, at least, has the decency to look dejected.  “You know what my track record with pets is like.”  The nervous little titter that escapes him is all the reminder Lance needs of the unfortunate fate that befell Goldie the goldfish.  Keeping Hunk away from Kaltenecker is probably in everyone’s best interests.

 

“You know,” Shiro says, a half-smile on his lips, “This could be a good opportunity for you both to take on some more responsibility.”

 

Pidge shoots up from her seat, a look of horror dawning on her face. “Both?” She says. “Lance is the one who took the cow!”

 

She came free with  _ your  _ game, Pidge,” Lance fires back.  He casts his arms out, gesturing towards Kaltenecker. “You're her mom! You can't just abandon our daughter like that!” 

 

Pidge's face flushes.  She opens her mouth to say something, but Kaltenecker gets there first.  One more moo, and they’re ushered off the bridge to find more suitable quarters for their new pet.

 

“We could keep her on the training deck,” Lance suggests, as they lead Kaltenecker aimlessly through the hallways. “Oh man, just imagine Keith's face. Serves him right for not being a team player.”

 

Pidge gives him a decidedly unimpressed look. “Lance, we're not endangering Kaltenecker for your petty revenge.” Lance huffs at that, indignant. Before he can tell her he didn't  _ really  _ mean it, she asks “Do you have any real suggestions?”

 

Lance rubs his chin, and makes a drawn out “Hmm” sound.

 

“The bridge is out of the question, obviously,” Pidge supplies, “and I'm assuming so is anywhere Hunk is likely to be.”

 

Lance chuckles. “Yeah, the further away we keep her from Hunk the better.”

 

“The infirmary?” Pidge asks.  She shakes her head. “No, that won’t do.  She might get in the way if there’s an emergency.”

 

“How about one of the hangars?  Blue wouldn’t mind sharing, and she’s pretty good company.”  He puffs his chest out in that proud way he always does when he’s talking about his Lion.

 

Pidge arches an eyebrow at him.  “You know cows and lions are at opposite ends of the food chain, right?”

 

“They’re not real lions, Pidge.”  He nudges her playfully, then drops his voice to a stage whisper.  “Don’t tell Blue I said that.”

 

“Too late,” Pidge teases.  “Green’s telling all the Lions what you think of them right now.”

 

Lance clutches his chest in mock offence.  “How could you?” He demands. “I thought we were- Ack!  Hey! No no no, bad cow.”

 

Kaltenecker seems unimpressed with their banter, and has taken to chewing on Lance’s jacket to amuse herself.  She releases it when Lance protests, but it’s still dripping with cow saliva. Lance makes a face at the wet patch.

 

“Great,” he grumbles. “This is hand wash only, you know.”  He peels the jacket off, and drapes it over Kaltenecker’s back, as if that might teach her it isn’t food.  “Hey, maybe we could keep her in a bedroom. This ship is huge, there’s bound to be spares, and it’s totally safe.”

 

Pidge mulls over the suggestion.  “Sure,” she says, “it’s worth a try.”

 

They find an empty bedroom with relative ease and lead Kaltenecker inside.

 

“I don’t think this is going to work,” Pidge says almost immediately.

 

Lance cocks his head, and considers the scene.  Funny how it’s only the sight of a fully-grown cow occupying the space that makes him realise just how small their bedrooms are.  The poor thing can’t even turn herself around.

 

“Hmm,” he says.  His shoulders drop with a sigh.  “I guess you’re right.”

 

Kaltenecker is flicking her tail, letting out small sounds of displeasure.  If she could speak, Lance thinks, she’d be asking them why they even considered such a ridiculous idea in the first place.  Lance would ask her if she had any better ideas. There just aren’t a whole lot of places on a spaceship suitable for holding a cow. Who would’ve thought?

 

“What do we do now?” Lance asks.  He makes a frustrated sound and threads his fingers through his hair.  “Find a nice grassy planet to drop her off on, and just hope for the best?”

 

Pidge considers for a moment, furrowing her brows as she falls deep into thought.

 

“I think,” she says, after some time, “I might have one last idea.  Meet me on the holodeck in an hour.”

 

Lance kills the time practicing his Spanish with Kaltenecker.  For a cow, she makes a pretty good conversation partner. She moos at the exact right times where someone else might say “Yeah?” or “Oh?”.  The hour passes quickly, and they make their way to Pidge.

 

Lance can’t help looking around in awe as he leads Kaltenecker onto the holodeck.

 

Pidge has reprogrammed the room, transforming it from a dull gray space into a beautiful, lush meadow.  Grass, slightly wet with dew, spreads as far as the eye can see. It looks so real, so Earthlike, that he feels a pang in his chest.  He has to resist the urge to drop to the ground and roll around in it, to dig his fingers into the ground and feel the soil beneath his fingernails.  This moment isn’t for Lance. This is for Kaltenecker.

 

Pidge even thought to include a small cowshed with a grazing pasture just outside of it, the little genius.

 

“I thought it might remind her of home,” Pidge says from behind them.  “Well, if she even came from Earth in the first place.”

 

When Lance looks at her, she’s tugging at her sleeves and watching him for a reaction.  He doesn’t even try to contain his grin.

 

“Pidge,” he says, “it’s perfect.”

 

_ She’s perfect. _

 

A shy smile makes its way onto her face, and her cheeks darken ever so slightly.  Lance drops the leash he’d been using to lead Kaltenecker around and wraps his arms around Pidge’s waist.  She lets out a squawk when he lifts her into the air.

 

“Lance!” She protests.  “What are you doing?!”

 

Lance’s smile turns mischievous.  “Celebrating,” he answers, and begins to twirl her in a circle.  Pidge laughs, a light, musical sound, echoed by Lance’s own. The meadow in the background fades into a blur, and all he can see is her, face flushed and mouth wide in laughter.

 

Lance stumbles, off-balance, and it sends them both toppling to the ground.  The artificial meadow feels soft beneath Lance’s fingers. His breath is heavy, coming in short pants and half-laughs as the dizziness fades.  This close to the ground, he can pick up on the sharp, earthy scent of soil after a rain shower. Pidge’s attention to detail is incredible.

 

He rolls over to see her beside him, legs splayed out and a hand on her tummy as she recovers from her own fit of giggles.  His hand itches to trace the laughter lines on her face. He props himself up on his elbow, and inches closer until he can feel the warm puffs of her breath on his cheeks.

 

Their eyes meet.  Everything seems to fall away, and suddenly there’s a new kind of gravity, pulling him slowly down, towards Pidge’s face, Pidge’s lips.

 

Kaltenecker makes a drawn-out, distressed sound, and they jerk away from each other.  Lance casts his eye over at the cow, his brow creasing.

 

“No,” he groans.  “You’ve got to be kidding me.  What more do you want?”

 

“Maybe it’s for the best that we let her go.  Cows probably weren’t meant to come to space, anyway,” Pidge reasons.

 

“Yeah,” Lance says, his voice disheartened.  Cows weren’t meant to come to space, and maybe Lance wasn’t meant to kiss Pidge either.

 

Pidge nudges him gently, offering a small smile, but her disappointment is plain on her face.  “You think we could at least get a milkshake out of her before we drop her off?” She asks.

 

Lance’s eyes light up at the suggestion, and he springs to his feet.  “Pidge!” he says, throwing his hands up in the air. “You’re a genius.”

 

She can’t help but snort.  “Tell me something I don’t know.”

 

Lance looks at her, his brows furrowed in concentration.  

 

“We’re going to need a bucket.”

 

There’s a storage room just opposite the holodeck, thankfully.  Pidge retrieves it without argument, but when she sees Lance grip Kaltenecker’s udders between a finger and thumb, she immediately turns away.  

 

“Uh, Pidge?”

 

“I’m giving her some privacy,” Pidge says.  She stays like that until Lance announces he’s done.

 

“I can’t believe you just did that,” Pidge says, frowning down at the bucket of fresh milk by Lance's feet.  “How did you even know what to do?”

 

Lance shrugs, nonchalant.  “I worked as a farmhand one summer, back home.”  His voice is wistful, nostalgic as he remembers milking cows under the hot sun.  Pidge drops the subject and turns her attention to their cow.

 

Kaltenecker has settled down on the grass, looking quite relaxed after Lance’s milking session.  It’s the most content they’ve seen her since she came aboard the ship.

 

Lance dunks a glass into the bucket of milk, filling it nearly to the brim, and then offers it to Pidge.  She wrinkles her nose at it. “That…doesn’t seem sanitary,” she says.

 

“It’s fine,” Lance assures her, waving a hand dismissively. Pidge gives him a skeptical look so he downs the glass himself, all in one go.  He lets out a pleased sigh. “It’s pretty good, actually.”

 

Pidge blinks at him for a moment, then lets out a small giggle.  Lance finds himself frowning. “What’s so funny?” He asks. 

 

“You’ve got a milk moustache,” Pidge tells him, with an amused smile on her face.  Lance raises his hand to wipe it off, but stops himself halfway. 

 

Instead, his hand finds Pidge’s wrist, and he tugs her towards him. The makeshift milking stool has him at just the right height for their lips to meet easily.  He steadies her with his hands on her hips, and she leans into his touch. The kiss is sweet, tentative as their lips brush together.

 

Pidge pulls back ever so slightly, and rests her forehead against Lance’s.  Both their cheeks are dusted with pink. “What was that about?” Pidge asks, her voice barely a whisper.  

 

His eyes light up as he smiles. “Just making up for us getting interrupted earlier.”

 

Pidge’s eyes flutter shut when Lance’s hand cups her cheek.  “Plus,” he says, just before he kisses her again, “I’m not the only one with a milk moustache now.”

 

Ordinarily Pidge might make a face, but kissing Lance seems to be worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I somehow managed to stop myself from writing Kaltenecker mooing in approval at their kiss, but trust me, it happened.
> 
> Send me prompts on [tumblr](http://radiantcerulean.tumblr.com/)!


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